So you seem to be talking to yourself.
Yeah. It's frees me up a little bit. Frees me, I think, from certain things, like presentation or structure. Well, if I think about it, it only frees me from the ideas of those things. Because obviously, asking oneself questions is not free from either presentation or structure. But it allows the illusion of conversation, which feels looser to me.
One might say it seems rather narcissistic.
I know. But there's some narcissism inherent in writing about oneself at all. And if this peculiar affectation helps me to do something I'm not so comfortable doing then I'll use it.
What are you hoping to accomplish?
Well, I need to sort some things out. I need to lend some form to memory, update my personal narrative(s), you might say.
What is the impetus for this?
I had a birthday recently. 36. I felt my age for the first time. Actually I probably exaggerated this feeling, but it got me to ruminating. I am more aware now that possibilities are finite. That felt depressing for a few days, but it's starting to feel encouraging. Or I'm trying to see it that way anyway. I know that there are a number of things that I will never do with my life, things that I may have wanted to do, things I may have been suited for. And that might seem a bit depressing, but it's also liberating in a certain way. Wallowing in regret is a waste of time--the present is too precious. And I'd rather concentrate on those possibilities that are perfectly real and right in front of me. Part of this requires coming to terms with the past, giving it a shape that's helpful, but hopefully also honest.
