Educational psychologists say my shyness and the "imposter syndrome" are common among people who have moved into unfamiliar cultural territory. I was the first in my family to attend college, much less graduate school, and, from the beginning of my time in higher education, I always felt there were hidden social rules that I must discover or face public rejection: What should I wear? How should I speak? When should I laugh? What must I conceal? Silence and withdrawal were easier, less risky, and less painful to remember than social errors.At first glance I thought perhaps I had written it. Certainly I had always felt like an impostor in the hallowed halls of academia, but I quickly came to realize that many others felt the same, regardless of whether they, like me, were the first in their families to participate in higher education. There is something endemic to the academy that inculcates this feeling of being a fraud. Perhaps because academic life is indeed fraudulent on many levels, but I'm not sure that this is why so many academics feel like frauds. I always had the feeling that I should not appear to be learning, but rather had to learn to appear as though I already knew, regardless of the subject. I can recall few, if any, instances of grad students or faculty saying something along the lines of "I have no idea, please explain it to me." Making such an admission being tantamount to losing face in a very competitive environment. In fairness I do know scholars who readily admit their ignorance about this or that topic, and fittingly they tend to be both confident in the knowledge they do possess and always eager to learn. Of course these folks were good scholars, the best in some cases.
I try to communicate this attitude to my students: the classroom, mine anyway, is a place where you can set aside your fears of appearing ignorant and concentrate on improving a new set of skills. It does not matter if you aren't sure how to pronounce Descartes, concentrate on following his argument. I try to encourage this by readily admitting when I don't know something: "I don't know the proper pronunciation of that word, I don't know Sanskrit, but what can we discern about the meaning of this word from context?" My hope is that the students will feel less intimidated by the texts, will start to see that they already have some tools and will realize that their efforts will be rewarded. I'm not sure it's worked. Authority and intimidation seem to go a long way with students, and many of them don't seem to want to learn. The temptation to succumb to cynicism and despair is constant and has claimed many a scholar who sees teaching as the price to be paid for the opportunity to do research. As an adjunct this attitude is not even an option.
