Today I had the sensation of freedom, of being freed form the burden of time. Feeling free, momentarily, made me realize how completely my existence is structured by the feelings time inspires. These feelings are a product of a lifetime's pattern, they are a physical habit, so much a part of me that feeling free of them was a bit startling. It seemed to me that I could simply set it all aside, that it wasn't really real, and be free. Of course I immediately wondered if after freeing myself I would still be myself. Or perhaps like coffee that's been decaffeinated, or diet soda, I would be flavorless and lacking something essential. I think I owe it to myself to find out.
I know that this really does go all the way back to childhood and my feelings about school. It's a long established pattern of anticipation but it lingers when the circumstances that gave rise to it have long since expired. My schedule suits me perfectly and it's very rare that I have to do anything at all that I really don't want to do. But still I find myself with this heaviness on a Sunday that starts creeping up on me Saturday night. As I get older I have something new to accompany the malaise of anticipation: a changing perception of time. It now goes much faster and this gives rise to a new set of worries and a new set of bodily sensations. Actually they may be the same feelings or perhaps they are closely related. In any case, time is a burden I feel in my body. But what if this need not be the case? I think I will undertake a controlled trial. I have a methodology in mind. I owe it to myself to find out.
